Everyone tells you they want to deliver Customer Service these days. That wouldn't be so palpably deceitful, if in parallel we hadn't all become so darn self-sufficient. And why? Because we’ve had to.

You see the puzzled look on kid’s faces when you explain that people used to pump your gas, push the elevator buttons for you, jump to open doors and sixty-two other simple services which employed the young, the old, the challenged and to-tell-you-the-truth the female.

One popular fast food chain has spent millions convincing us to “Have It Your Way!” Unfortunately, neither their ad people nor their management have visited my local franchise, or ordering your burger would come with further instructions. In my worst imaginings, the options would be: It’s all here on this little bitty card, or on our web site – at your computer in a room far, far away, or would you rather speak to our customer service reps? They’re all waiting breathlessly for your call – in India!

Technology and global networks have hit home in the most obvious and palpable ways, but who do I really blame? People! Not the unfeeling, unhearing, unseeing technology, to which these very same humans are attempting to abdicate delivering a little actual service. And why? Because it costs money to deliver personal service, and minimizing costs is target one when focusing on profits.

What about when there really *is* a problem?

Hoping against hope that the International Customer Service Association could help, I rushed to their website. Scanning, I clicked immediately to their “Through the Customer’s Eyes” program. My hope died when I read the very first sentence: “Imagine a world where all your Customer Service Representatives (CSRs) are confident, self-sufficient and motivated.” … Self-sufficient? The perfect world is where management doesn’t even hear from its *own* customer service reps? And the front line helpers get rewarded for their own self-sufficiency?

Thinking I may have ambushed these people by citing a single sentence, I read on through this “imagine” scenario: “Your department’s turnover is at an all-time low, as are customer complaints.” The measure for customer service is fewer customer complaints? Are they counting all those times I’ve simply given up and walked away?

Perhaps it’s because I found myself in fancy dress pumping gas outdoors in a driving rainstorm. Or my recent dealings concerning the delivery of my newspaper. After 20 years, it was suddenly being thrown on my driveway, instead of up on my front porch. Despite two official emails sent as per instruction through their website, I have yet to receive a simple acknowledgement. Instead, I got a separate automatic email wherein they hoped I had enjoyed my vacation and that my newspaper delivery had resumed promptly. The answer could only be yes and no. It had arrived, but I had to hike to find it. And still … no response.

Gratuitous email, meant for you to believe that they really care. What could be more typical of technology and customer service?

Yet we have clues that big businesses like Disney and Walmart know that the human touch is essential. They actually employ greeters, who say “Welcome” and tell you where to find anything in the store. These are today’s equivalent of the doorman, the elevator operator, the cloak room girl. They also greeted us warmly and knew where everything was. But get this – they also performed a useful function!

Perhaps that’s why the new greeters – while awfully nice people – tend to irritate me just a bit. The last two times I asked one a question, they referred me to customer service.

I'm Moira Gunn. This is Five Minutes.