June 10, 2003
Ever Need to Apologize?... Let's take five with Moira Gunn. This is "Five Minutes".
It was pure coincidence that debunked journalist Stephen Glass' new novel came out at the same time the Jayson Blair/New York Times fiasco broke, but there's no doubt that each frames the other.
The Glass story answers the question: How might a journalist put his life back together after he commits professional treason? while the Blair story tells just what happens these days when you get caught. And wherever you turn, these two stories are linked.
In the obvious trick question of the year, Stephen Glass was asked by the Financial Times if he thought Jayson Blair should apologize. Glass saw it coming, and responded directly: "When I walk into a room, no one believes me the way that they would anyone else. An apology from me would be received with skepticism."
But as clever as he was, that's precisely when I knew that Stephen Glass doesn't understand what an apology is.
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Anyone who's raised children knows that simply saying "I'm sorry" isn't an apology, especially when Buster goes right back out and hits his little brother on the head with a truck. So what is an apology? And how can we tell a real one from a weasely attempt to skip out on the consequences of a person's own actions?
In every instance, the extent of the apology has to somehow match the extent of the damage done, so let's consider the worst case possible.
First of all, you've got to say exactly what you're apologizing for. No waving of the hands. No vague "I apologize for my part in all this." You've got to clearly state what you did, as well as describe specifically the harm you believe it caused. Then you've got to come up with some way to make up for this harm. And since most bells can't be un-rung, you may need to get pretty creative here - substantive, positive, perhaps even symbolic.
Then you can say you're sorry, and don't forget to describe the remorse that you feel. One note of caution, though: "I feel great remorse because I lost my job over this" just doesn't cut the mustard.
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You've also got to commit yourself to finding out why you did what you did. We're human, and frequently we do things for reasons that stem from fear, from early traumas in our lives and for any number of reasons. But we have choice. We can look at ourselves, and we can figure out what drives us and ends up hurting other people.
So the final stages of an apology are to figure out what in your person drove you to do what you did, and to make a plan for how you will avoid ever harming someone in this very same way again.
It is at this point that something miraculous happens.
The people who have been hurt begin to respond. Your actions and commitment over time helps to heal their grief. They begin to feel compassion toward you, and if you are very, very lucky, true forgiveness will flow.
While wounds never disappear, they can be healed, and there is every reason to try to do just that. It is the unhealed wound which causes hatred and violence, war and revenge. Whether it's an individual or a community, a huge global corporation or a mighty nation, a few real apologies here and there can change the world.
I'm Moira Gunn. This is Five Minutes.
